Husband's God Called You To "Work"-But Not Just At Your Job

A young engaged couple came into my office for premarital coaching. They were excited and very serious at the time. They sat down and before I could even begin their first session, the young man ( we will call him Mike), looked at me and said, " We want to know the top three reasons for divorce. We want to make sure we talk about those three things specifically, so that we don't let them ruin our marriage". I was impressed and at the same time, realized there was fear of divorce already present.

I shared with them that statisitically speaking the top three reasons for divorce were; money, sex and lack of communication. They seemed fairly shocked at my response. I knew that we could talk about money, sex and lack of communication, that was actually already part of the plan, but I also knew we had to talk about much more than that.

Often times there are things happening or not happening to damage the marriage long before divorce is even mentioned. Divorce is the outcome of marital struggles that go unaddressed for far too long. When struggles are only acknowledged and agreed to be worked on in order to "save a dying marriage", we know that there has been trouble brewing for an extended period of time.

Lack of Commitment

Lack of commitment is many things. It can be not making time for one another, not believeing in the marriage, not prioritzing one anothers thoughts and feelings. It can include feeling more like roommates than spouses, being unwilling to have hard conversations, one spouse trying to carry the whole relationship, etc. This list could go on for miles, but you get the idea.

How Do We Stay Away From That?

Marriage is work! It doens't have to be hard work but it is work. Work is defined as: "to perform or carry through a task requiring sustained effort or continuous repeated operations" (Websters Dictionary).

If we break this down into God's design for husbands and wives, we can see the "work" that we are called to in our marriages. When we follow God's design within our marriage, marriage succeeds. When we choose to let sin win, our marriage suffer. There is no place for selfishness, being "right", complacency, lack of love, ignorance, abuse, yelling, belittling or any other unloving behavior in marriage.

A Husband's "Work"

A husband's biblical work is to actively love, nurture, protect, honor, serve, and remain faithful to his wife while cultivating a marriage that reflects Christ's love for the Church.

A. Sacrificial love- Ephesians 5: 25"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her".

A husband is called to love his wife in a way that costs him something.

This means his love cannot be measured simply by what he feels, says, or financially provides. His love must be demonstrated through his actions.

Choosing his wife's good even when it requires personal sacrifice. Being willing to set aside selfish desires. Making time for his wife rather than giving her only what remains. Caring about her emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. Loving her when marriage requires effort, patience, and humility.

The biblical standard isn't merely that a husband loves his wife. It is that he loves her as Christ loved the Church.

B. Understanding His wife- 1 Peter 3:7 "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.".

A husband is called to learn and understand the woman he married. This requires intentional effort. This doesn't mean that you always agree, but it does mean that you are seeking understanding.

He should be learning what brings her joy, what causes her pain, what makes her feel secure, what concerns her, and how she experiences love. Once these things are known, the need to be acted upon. A wife should know that she is known by her husband. She shouldn't have to wonder or assume in either direction.

It means he cannot simply say, "Well, that's just how I am," and expect his wife to not only accept but to accommodate his unwillingness to grow. There is always room for growth. Complacency is not what God is calling husbands to.

Understanding requires listening, observing, asking questions, and changing behaviors where needed. It only causes harm when action doesn't follow knowledge. As a husband if you know your wife and you know that she doens't like dark chocolate, but you go out and buy her dark chocolate. Is she going to feel understood? No, she is going to feel like you don't know her, or that you simply don't care what she does or does not like.

A husband cannot effectively love a wife he refuses to take the time to understand.

His wife is not someone beneath him, but a fellow heir of God's grace, she too deserves to be understood.

C. Nourish and Cherish- Ephesians 5:28-29 ^"In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.".

A husband is called to nourish and cherish his wife. These two words deserve special attention.

Nourish means to provide what is necessary for growth and well-being.

Cherish communicates tender care, warmth, and attentive affection.

A husband should be asking himself if his wife is flourishing under his love. Is she growing? Is she blooming? Flourishing is defined as: marked by vigorous and healthy growth. What would you say if you were asked the two questions above?

A husband shouldn't be asking whether she is always happy. Not whether she agrees with everything he does. But whether his treatment of her adds to her well-being.

This includes emotional tenderness, physical affection, encouragement, support, and care.

Providing financially is valuable, but a husband can provide a beautiful house while failing to nurture his wife living inside of it.

God calls him to more.

D. Spiritual Responsibility- Deuteronomy 6:6-7 "And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.".

A husband is called to lead his wife and to contribute to her spiritual growth.

A husband should take his own spiritual growth seriously and encourage spiritual life within his marriage and family. This may include praying with his wife, studying Scripture together, attending church, seeking godly counsel when needed, and making decisions based on biblical principles. He should be taking initiative on the above mentioned things, not waiting for his wife to take over and be the leader in these areas.

But spiritual leadership should never become spiritual control.

A husband is not called to act as his wife's Holy Spirit. He is not responsible for forcing her spiritual growth or demanding her relationship with God. He is called to encourage and support her in her relationship with the Lord. Help her to create time and space for growth in her spiritual life.

He is called to lead by example, not by intimidation.

A husband who quotes Scripture to demand submission from his wife, while ignoring the Scriptures commanding him to love, honor, and exercise self-control is missing the very heart of biblical leadership the way that God designed it. From the heart comes love, not control.

E. Gentleness and Emotional self control- Colossians 3:19 "Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.".

A husband's work includes learning to manage his frustration, speak respectfully, stay in control of his body, and pursue a healthy conclusion.

This means refusing to use anger, silence, intimidation, or belittling to gain control. Actions as we know can speak louder than words. Controlling the tongue doesn't mean that all behavior is under control. Silence can also speak volumes. Body language can often be as disrespectful and hurtful and words and walking away without communicating creates walls that are hard to tear down.

He must be willing to apologize, accept correction, and repair relational damage. This doesn't mean that he is the only one at fault, or the only one that needs to apologize, accept correction or repair the damage. These things usually require effort from both the husband and the wife. This is being brought up here because these are typically things that are hard for husbands to do and/or hear but are vitally necessary.

Being the head of a household does not exempt a husband from accountability. It increases the seriousness of his responsibility to love well. He is after all called to be the leader of the home.

F. Sexual Faithfulness and Mutual Intimacy- 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 "The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.".

A husband is called to work to honor his marriage covenant, guard against sexual immorality, and care about his wife's experience of intimacy—not simply his own satisfaction.

This is an area that a lot of marriage suffer becuase of false teachings, shame, being to chy to talk about sexual intimacy, not undersatnding one another, guilt, and so much more. There is so much teaching to be done for husbands and wives in this area.

Sexual intimacy should never be used as a tool of punishment, manipulation, or coercion. Sexual sin is not the fault of anyone accept the one who succumbs to it.

A husband's work includes cultivating the trust, tenderness, emotional closeness, and mutual consideration that support a healthy sexual relationship.

This topic is more difficult to gear towards either the husband or the wife, because it is really a team effort to cultivate the type of intimacy that the Lord created us for. I simply want to call husbands to begin by talking to their wives about her pleasure. Not to disregard the pleasure of the husband but because we know this question is not asked enough and it opens doors to needed conversation.

Working For Your Marriage vs. Working At Your Marriage

Working FOR your marriage might mean earning money, paying bills, maintaining the house, and ensuring your family's physical needs are met.

Working AT your marriage means intentionally caring for the relationship itself.

A husband can work incredibly hard for his family and still leave his wife feeling lonely, unseen, or emotionally neglected. At the same time a wife can appreciate everything her husband provides while still longing for the man she married to be emotionally present. Both realities can exist simultaneously.

The husband may genuinely believe, "Everything I do is for my family."

Meanwhile, the wife may be thinking, "I appreciate everything you do, but I miss you."

Neither statement necessarily cancels out the other.

The biblical calling of a husband is not simply to build a life FOR his wife, but to faithfully build a life WITH her.

That work involves sacrifice, intentionality, humility, and love.

P.S. Be on the lookout for the blog post about the "work" wives are called to as well!

What If We Need Help?

Marriage was never meant to be something we simply survive. God designed it to be a beautiful reflection of love, sacrifice, partnership, and oneness. But a strong marriage doesn't happen by accident. It takes two people willing to be intentional, do the hard work, and continually choose one another.

Maybe you're feeling disconnected. Maybe you're struggling to communicate. Or maybe you love your spouse deeply but aren't quite sure how to close the distance that's grown between you.

You don't have to figure it all out on your own.

At Sweet Honey and Sacrifice, we help couples move beyond simply living together to intentionally building a marriage rooted in biblical truth, deeper connection, and lasting love.

Your marriage deserves more than leftover time, leftover energy, and leftover effort.

Ready to start investing in your marriage?

Visit www.sweethoneycoaching.com to learn more about Christian marriage coaching and take the next step toward a stronger, more connected marriage.

Because a beautiful marriage isn't built on love alone. It's built on the daily choice to love well.

Sweet Honey and Sacrifice